Katia Raina

The Magic Mirror

Can I? Will I?

I haven’t even started working yet … this coming Monday is the big day, and already, the stress is eating me up from the inside… can I do both? Can I do both?

Or actually, can I do all three?

1. Work — and do a good job — be that proper cool capable in-control Patch editor

2. Can I enjoy my kids who are growing up like someone’s fast-forwarding their childhoods or something…

3. Write, keep on writing, revising, learning…

Can I? Can I? Can I? And perhaps a bigger question is… will I?

Sometimes I hear that little voice in my head, already, and it says so nicely, ah, stop fighting a useless battle, girl. Wouldn’t it be nice, says the voice, to just let it go? It’s been ten years, girlie, ten years of writing fiction, and where has that gotten you? And then, I’m like, okay, you know what? How easy, how deliciously easy would it actually be to just quit already. Yeah, so I won’t be that Katia anymore. So who cares? I’ll have a job — a nice career — and a lovely family that I could enjoy — no more silly dream chasing.

And then, the moment I truly consider this, something in the pit of my stomach clams up, and I am feeling nauseous, and I grit my teeth, and I’m like, no. I can’t. I can’t.

I don’t want to be that person who dreamed so passionately and so hard, only to roll over one day and just quit trying.

I think I need to stop worrying so much about this, though. Lately, with this transition, I have been wondering, am I meant to do this, this writing thing? Am I meant to be more than a mother and a journalist?

When I stop panicking and look deep inside for the answer, I am pretty sure the answer is “yes.”

So why am I so worried?

If I am meant to do this, then I will.

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March 17, 2012 - Posted by | Personal Mirror, Writing Mirror

6 Comments »

  1. I’m counting on you not letting go of the dream. See you around the writing world, Katia Raina!

    Comment by joycemoyerhostetter | March 18, 2012 | Reply

    • Thanks, Joyce. It’s nice to have you — YOU — cheering me on in the fiction-writing corner of my life 🙂

      Comment by Katia Raina | March 18, 2012 | Reply

  2. Yes, the answer is yes.

    It’s normal to feel such anxiety. Good luck with this new job and balancing everything. And write on.

    Comment by Medeia Sharif | March 19, 2012 | Reply

    • Medeia, so you’re in my corner too! Thank you. And yes, I will. I did, today 🙂

      Comment by Katia Raina | March 20, 2012 | Reply

  3. I’d think you were pretty odd if you didn’t have questions like this floating around at the moment.

    Yes, you can do it. Good luck for today x

    Comment by sarah1357 | March 19, 2012 | Reply

    • Sarah, so sorry I missed your comment earlier, for some reason. Ha-ha, you’re right. I would have to be very odd indeed if I weren’t worried. Or, I’d have to be some sort of a Goddess. Which I am decidedly not. Thanks again — the first week went okay — will present an update soon! xo

      Comment by Katia Raina | March 25, 2012 | Reply


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